


letting go.

by seungbinsung



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst? Angst., Childhood Friends, Extremely Minor Background Ships, Implied Han Jisung | Han/Kim Seungmin, M/M, Not Beta Read, Sad Ending, Songfic, felix uses he/they, friends to almost lovers, jisung is nonbinary who uses they/them, other members pop in for like one sentence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:13:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26776426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seungbinsung/pseuds/seungbinsung
Summary: To love someone means to want what’s best for them, want them to be happy, want them to be free.For three years, Chan holds on to what he and Seungmin have before he leaves for an internship in Australia. Upon his return, Chan witnesses that Seungmin has fallen in love with someone else.Now, it’s time for Chan to let him go.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 18
Kudos: 116
Collections: Other Ships





	letting go.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is a bonus chapter of my twitter au [at the drop of a hat](https://twitter.com/seungcentric/status/1280221339266113537) in which seungsung is the main ship. this fic hopefully make some sense without having to read the au, but i highly recommend reading that au anyway hehe
> 
> please enjoy x
> 
> Inspired by: Letting Go by DAY6

Chan likes Seungmin and he knows that.

He was 14 when he first admitted to himself that he liked the younger, four years since he met him on the sidewalk, rolling a volleyball that bumped to his feet.

(Chan had just moved next to Seungmin’s house and was playing alone, the same way Seungmin was. When Chan looked up, he saw a boy younger than him, blinking his big, round eyes, waiting for Chan to either return the ball nicely or ignore him. Needless to say, he accepted the ball and walked towards Seungmin.

But that’s a different story.)

Being with Seungmin was different than being with Changbin, and he found it difficult to comprehend at first, but as time went by, he realized that he might’ve had a crush on the youngest and that at itself may have been the reason _why_ it was weird.

Chan thought nothing of it and even tried to keep it to himself as much as he could. Changbin, of course it was him, noticed the slight change in Chan’s persona ever since coming to terms with 1) his sexuality and 2) his crush on Seungmin. 

Changbin was, for the lack of better word, amused when he first found out. Or well, when Chan first _admitted_ to him. Chan was sure he jumped to conclusions already. 

“No duh,” he told him. “First day we met, I kinda assumed you already did.” He prepared the volleyball on his hand, “Ready?”

After learning how to play volleyball with Seungmin four years ago, Chan found a spark inside of him to keep playing volleyball, finding happiness in playing the sport and with the player— or well, players because Changbin also played with them. He didn’t know _anything_ about volleyball. He knew the basics and that they throw the ball up in the air, so when Seungmin first asked him to teach him, he thought it would be a great idea to tell him “throw the ball at me” and Seungmin, following Chan’s unclear instructions, threw the ball straight to his face, like you would pitch a baseball, and Chan fell to the ground, knocking a tooth or two. 

(After that day, Chan immediately asked his middle school PE teacher to teach him volleyball. And god— he really adored Seungmin, then.)

He nodded in agreement, but restated Changbin’s words, stopping himself. “Wait, what?”

“What do you mean what?” he chuckled, “You always had a special smile for him. Which, not gonna lie, for a while, I was a little hurt. And jealous,” Chan jutted his lip, raising an eyebrow. “Not like that, you goon. I meant that as “I was eight, I came back from the beach, wanting to play with my best friend as per usual, but there’s this new kid who’s smiling at him like he held up the moon and the stars.”

“Like man, get out of here.” He spiked the ball which Chan had blocked perfectly, “Then I thought, “Huh? Maybe he just likes Seungmin.” and I was right.”

Instead of setting the ball Changbin had bumped nicely to the other court, Chan caught the ball, frowning, “Does he know?”

“Seungmin?” Changbin almost laughed. “It would take a while before he realizes it himself. You have to tell him to at least get a chance.”

“Wait— do you think…”

“…He feels the same way?” he finished for Chan, raising an eyebrow. 

“You know what? That was a stupid question, don’t answer that.”

Changbin smirked, “Serve the ball.”

It was not at all surprising that Seungmin definitely didn’t know about Chan’s crush on him. Chan realized this when Seungmin introduced Felix to him and Changbin and one of the first things Felix asked was: “Oh _you’re_ Chan-hyung! How long have you and Seungmin been going out?” which resulted in a laughing Changbin, a very confused new student Felix, and the duo blushing like a pair of tomatoes.

(Months later, Felix smacked Chan’s head, calling him stupid for not doing anything about his crush on Seungmin for three years. Then, he also smacked Changbin for laughing so much.)

Seungmin and Chan were inseparable. 

The only actual distance they’ve ever been was when Chan moved out to university. Then, from one door away, it was one call away. And he didn’t know in his third year, Seungmin would become one ocean away.

In second year, Chan mindlessly applied for the Med Internship Program. It wasn’t like he’s forced to do it, he checked over the program and was informed how beneficial the program was to him and his future career in the field. He took the advice to apply, just for the sake of trying. When a couple months passed, Chan forgot he even handed in an application. He only remembered when he got a call from his counsellor, breaking the news that his transfer was in progress.

“Oh my god,” was the first thing Changbin said after Chan told him the news. Then, “Congratulations, hyung, that’s _huge.”_ Because it _is_ huge, and to decline the jumpstart opportunity would be ridiculous.

And he was so ready to accept it until, Changbin asked,

“Have you told him yet?”

Right. Changbin didn’t have to name the younger, Chan already knew he meant Seungmin. Changbin walked towards the dining room, setting his cup of coffee in front of him just like Chan, already stirring his own mug.

Chan softly shook his head. “But you are going to tell him, right?” the older one stayed silent, keeping his mind preoccupied by the bitter taste of his drink.

“I have to, don’t I?” he sighed.

“Well, it would be unfair to not at least give him a heads up,” the younger simply answered. “I’m assuming you start next school year.”

Chan nodded.

“That gives you at least four months of summer, don’t regret not telling him sooner.”

“Which one?” he choked a laugh, “My internship or my feelings?”

Changbin, on the other hand, was completely serious. In most of the years they’ve been friends, Changbin was always the one joking, and poking laughs to lighten the mood. But when he’s serious— oh, he’s way damn serious.

“Both.”

Chan and Changbin were standing in line at the coffee shop; Felix texted that they were on their way, while Seungmin hadn't answered anyone. The oldest was fiddling on spot, biting his lip to the point that Changbin noticed and immediately tried calming him down.

But he can’t! 

That day, he was either only going to tell Seungmin how he felt for the younger or just the internship that he had already accepted, or maybe both.

“I can’t do this,” he told Changbin. “What if everything changes?”

“It’s funny how you always say that,” Changbin snorted. “Change this change that— change is good, blah blah.”

Chan just pouted.

“Hyung, I know it’s scary to admit but, it’s Seungmin. You’ve known him for ten years.”

“Yeah, and I’ve liked him for half of that,” Chan laughed at himself, the pain gushing through his throat. “God, I’ve liked him for five years, Changbin!” he continued, shoving his head on the younger’s shoulder, muffling the rest of his words of: “I’m gonna ruin it all.”

“Me?” someone asked. Chan froze on his feet, not wanting to acknowledge the voice because he _knew_ who owned the voice. And hell was he not ready to face him when he just admitted that he’s liked him for years. 

Inevitably, he lifted his head up to meet Seungmin’s eyes. Round, big and unreadable, unlike when they first met when he was inviting the older to join him play volleyball. 

Neither of the two said a word, and lucky for them, a breathless Felix comes rushing in, “God, did I miss anything?”

Changbin pulled him to the side, “Maybe we should go.”

“What?”

“No,” Chan refused, immediately. “No one has to leave.”

“You two need to talk,” Changbin said, sternly. “Right?” Seungmin nodded, still not looking away from Chan.

“We’ll talk later,” Chan whispered. “I still have things to say to you all.”

Felix blinked, still confused but he was the first to break the silence, telling them what they wanted to order. 

And of course, after that, Chan had made it his goal to not talk to Seungmin despite his countless efforts in reaching out to the older. His sister called him stupid, his brother laughed at him, his father covered up for him and his mother finally knocked some sense into him.

He had to talk to Seungmin, he knew that. But it didn’t help that he had no emotion on his face when he found out about Chan’s crush on the younger. If it was still even just a crush. 

Chan wasn’t at all prepared when he stood outside of Seungmin’s house. He had no planned work, not even the right words to say. All he wanted was to finally cut the tension, just before he had to leave again. 

Lucky or not for him, Seungmin was out with Felix. 

He decided to not walk home yet, determined to reach Seungmin so he went to Felix’s house. He’s still not sure if he’d be there. Seungmin’s mother only told him that he was out with Felix but not _at_ Felix’s. 

Maybe the universe wasn’t in his favour when Felix’s father told him that they weren’t home either. 

Chan found himself back at his house not long after, still kicking the same pebble he found from Felix’s house. He sighed, stepping up the porch and hearing someone call out for him.

“You don’t have to turn around,” Seungmin began. It wasn’t like Chan didn’t want to turn around, but he was too afraid to do so. “I just… I know you’re leaving soon and I really don’t want to let you go without telling you what I feel.”

Chan relaxed his shoulder, still not finding it in him to finally turn around and look at the younger. 

“I like you, too,” his voice cracked, but he didn’t stop. “And I’m gonna miss you a lot when you go.”

He heard Seungmin’s shaky breath resonating. As he turned around, he saw how Seungmin was turning around himself, ready to leave, but Chan grab’s his wrist, wrapping his arms around the taller boy.

“I’m sorry,” Chan mumbled.

“Shut up,” Seungmin replied, hugging him tighter. 

They didn’t start dating. Which made Seungmin visibly upset at first, but it made sense why. At least to Chan, his reasons made sense why.

He was leaving for two years, and lots of things could happen in between. Seungmin was only just about to attend university, Chan would be busy with his studies plus an additional responsibility. They were both moving into a new environment that, not gonna lie, Chan had dreaded going to. 

Plus, Seungmin was the type of person who needed physical affection in order to feel somewhat loved, and Chan being 8,000 miles away (yes, he counted) wasn’t exactly his ideal for the younger’s first relationship.

And who knows? Things might still change. New environment meant new people to meet. 

The drive to the airport was quiet, Felix was snoring on the shotgun while Changbin desperately tried to wake them up every chance he got. Seungmin’s head nuzzled against Chan’s neck, timid sobs were choked back but still audible to hear. Chan looked at the rear mirror the same time Changbin checked up on them, sadly smiling at his best friends.

When they arrived, Changbin had taken his bags out of the trunk while Felix and Seungmin bid their goodbyes (though Seungmin just stood there, quiet while Felix held him close). Felix had been wide awake ever since their coffee stop, also keeping Changbin awake despite the early hour flight Chan had chosen. He asked questions, every now and then complaining about his lack of a roommate, but sometimes they would be sobbing.

“This means I don’t have a roommate since Changbin-hyung will most likely room with Seungmin, right?”

“Sorry, Fel,” Chan sheepishly grinned. “But, maybe you can get a cool roommate.”

“Ugh,” he groaned, wiping a bitter tear off their cheek. “I think I’d settle for no roommates instead.” Chan pulled him briefly for a hug, they then mumbled, “Bring home Sydney air.”

Chan laughed, pushing them off, “I’ll try to send them in a mason jar.”

Felix walked back to Seungmin, switching places with Changbin as he stepped up, sliding the cart towards Chan. “Don’t eat hospital food.”

Chan smiled, hugging him. “Take care of yourself and Felix, okay?” When he pushed Changbin, he sadly smiled, “And of Seungmin.”

Changbin nodded, wiping his tears himself too. “Send kangaroo pictures,” he pouted. Chan chuckled, ruffling the younger’s black hair. “Bye, hyung.”

Then,

“Seung,” Chan called. Seungmin looked up with his tired and droopy eyes and stained tears on his cheeks, weakly stepping up towards Chan. “Wanna walk with me?”

Seungmin nodded, walking in small steps towards him. They weren’t far from Changbin and Felix when Chan spoke up again, “You wanna say something before I go?” 

Seungmin shakes his head no. “Goodbyes are stupid,” he mumbled. “And heartbreaking and painful and I don’t want to say it,” he cried, voice breaking.

Chan smiled, pulling Seungmin closer, and in no time, Seungmin was sobbing again. He felt his heart heavy, wanting to hold Seungmin tighter, and longer, and to keep him beside him. It wasn’t enough time ever since he found out the boy had liked him back, would it be such a curse to spend more time— _all_ the time in the world—with him?

His phone started ringing, an alarm he had set up for his goodbyes with his friends so he doesn't rush inside the terminal. Instead of letting go, Seungmin only held him tighter, and his sobs got louder.

“I’m gonna miss you,” he mumbled against his neck. Chan pursed his lip, trying his hardest to not cry. He could bear Seungmin crying, but he didn’t want to show vulnerability to the younger. Especially now. 

“Me too,” he mumbled, his chin poking Seungmin’s shoulder. Chan let go first, breaking Seungmin’s tight hold on him. “I guess, I’ll see you later.”

Chan started walking away, rolling the squeaking cart with him. Of course, Changbin just had to pick the cart with squeaky wheels. He stopped shortly after, feeling Seungmin’s arms around him again.

“Seungie…” 

“Text me everyday, okay?” Seungmin told him. He turned around, facing Seungmin to wipe the new tears away. “It’s only an hour difference, I know you’ll be busy, but one text,” he begged. “Just one.”

Chan nodded, “Of course.”

Seungmin let him go again, weakly waving his hand, “I’ll see you later, hyung.”

He chose to not say anything, returning the wave, before turning around to the security checkout again. He felt his knees numb, unable to move anymore, _unwilling_ to take a step. He had the urge to turn around, to take one last look at his friends, but he knew if he did, he wouldn’t be able to leave. So, he stood up straight, shaking the nerves, before letting the busy crowd take him in.

Australia was different. Of course, ten years _was_ a long time of being far from home. But it was also different that 1) his family wasn’t with him, and 2) he had someone in a different home, waiting for him.

As much as possible, he kept his promise to Seungmin. Texting him at least once a day, and if it slipped his mind throughout the day, he would still shoot him a text at 2 in the morning. Then, in their free time, when university wasn’t in the way and his internship wasn't as heavily scheduled, they would call on FaceTime.

It wasn’t a routine, their schedules clashed, it was a periodic mess. When Seungmin was free, Chan wouldn’t be. When Chan was free, which was almost never, Seungmin would be busy with his own responsibilities. They tried their best to make it work, but Chan knew, even before he stepped on that plane that it would be hard. That’s why he never tried to pursue Seungmin to be his boyfriend, but settled for a promise.

In summer, that was when they talked a lot. With Changbin and Felix, too. Chan was still committed to the job, but Seungmin had more free time, he stayed up more nights, and soon his sleep schedule was just as disorganized as Chan.

Chan had mentioned meeting a lot of friends, introducing some of them to Seungmin. At first, Seungmin wouldn’t say anything, but as the months went by and as their hearts travelled away from each other, he would start asking if he was interested in other people. He was never direct when asking about it, but Chan didn’t want him to lock himself in the position of waiting for Chan to come back, so he answered just as vaguely, hoping that Seungmin wouldn’t take it to heart. Even though he knew he only liked him.

Seungmin mentioned a few people as well, some from his volleyball team that Chan had the chance of playing when he still went there, but most of them graduated by the second year Chan was in Australia. Then, he’d talk about Changbin and Felix— Changbin had found himself a boyfriend at a party while Felix hadn’t been interested in anyone, but he didn’t keep his options closed, taking interest in some people at parties. 

And Seungmin? He found himself an annoying acquaintance that he could never seem to stop talking about.

It hurt at first, which was ridiculous if Chan had really thought about it. They were just acquaintances— and Seungmin was annoyed for that matter, he shouldn’t be jealous, in fact, he probably had _no_ rights to be jealous. He wasn’t Seungmin’s boyfriend and he had every right to be with anyone. But Chan knew Seungmin, and the way he talked about this acquaintance (which Chan learned was named Han Jisung), was in a way Chan has never seen him talk about _anyone_ before.

The only time Chan and Seungmin’s connection had cut abruptly more than their usual was when Chan was planning to come home and Seungmin was busy with a lot of projects, never having the time on Tuesday or Thursday, which to Chan, would have the least amount of work to do at the hospital. But he couldn’t hold Seungmin back, that was for his credits.

It was also a good thing that Seungmin was busy most days, that gave Chan plenty of time to prepare himself for any lies to feed him just to avoid talking about his return (which he admits, was supposed to be a secret but he couldn’t keep the excitement all to himself!) 

But it was also terrible, having to miss Seungmin, sometimes on purpose, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to just spill his whole plan of surprising them. 

(Later it was just a surprise for Seungmin, because he couldn’t keep the secret from Changbin and Felix.)

When Chan came back from Australia, he still had hopes. After all, he never once forgot about his promise with Seungmin. Changbin picked him up from the airport, telling him that Seungmin was at a coffee shop and Felix was practicing for their dance showcase. 

He was unsure of what he was expecting, he just knew he was excited to see the younger again. He was tired of always postponing many invites from Seungmin to call, or rain-checking whenever he asked to watch a movie. But his excuses weren’t lies as time went on; he was technically busy packing up.

Chan held the door to the cafe, breathing heavily. Changbin had just dropped him off, saying he’ll take care of his bags to the hotel he was staying at for a while before he returned home. 

At the cafe, Chan was nervous. Seungmin must've changed a lot now, he thought, but he still couldn’t help but wonder if Seungmin still held the same heart. 

That was answered almost immediately when he looked through the glass of the cafe. 

Seungmin was sitting at a booth, across from someone. Chan couldn’t properly see their face as they had their back on him, so he couldn’t make up the name. He didn’t focus on them that much either, enthralled by the way Seungmin was smiling at them. 

He’s seen Seungmin smile plenty of times, but _never_ has he seen Seungmin smile that bright. Sure, he was always brightly smiling, but there’s something different with the way he beamed at whoever was across him. Like his eyes held more emotion— held more _love_. 

Chan almost retreated back, to leave them alone. He was told that Seungmin would be by himself, that’s the only reason he even thought of coming. Now, he was afraid of interrupting. 

He stepped to the side, letting a couple of people around his age enter, the bell ringing above him. Chan looked from the door frame to Seungmin’s booth, who was staring directly at him, a huge smile still on his face.

“Chan-hyung,” Seungmin called, jumping out of the booth and suddenly he’s brought back to when they were kids. Chan held him safe in his arms, “I missed you.” 

Chan only smiled, peeling the younger off him, “I missed you, too.”

“Come, let me introduce you to someone,” Seungmin grinned pulling him towards their booth. “Jisung,” the person in the booth turns their head. Chan recognized them then, “This is Chan-hyung, Chan-hyung, this is Han Jisung.”

Han Jisung. The acquaintance. Or well, now friend. As the time went by of Seungmin complaining about his annoying acquaintance, there was a brief change in his tone when talking about them lately. Like, he’s seen them in a different way. All Chan knew about Jisung was that 1) they were Changbin’s boyfriend’s best friend, 2) they teased Seungmin about kissing, _a lot,_ which was the reason they were even named “annoying acquaintance”, and 3) the person he now just found out held Seungmin’s heart. 

Despite that, Chan still held out his hand for a proper handshake. Jisung stared at his hand, and he almost dropped it, but they caught it at the last second, shaking his hand firmly.

“I’ve heard so much about you.”

Jisung softly laughed, “Only good things I hope.”

Definitely only good things.

“Well, they’re from Seungie, so take that as you will,” he laughed. Seungmin playfully elbows him in his stomach, earning a weak laugh from Jisung. 

“I should go,” they said, almost too immediately, and then their hands scramble to pick up their items on the table, shoving everything on their backpack. They leaned down at the table, shoving the cake to their mouth messily.

Seungmin grabbed their hand, stopping them from swallowing more than they can hold in their mouth. “Slow down,” he tells them, picking up a napkin to wipe their mouth.

Chan watched them. He wished he hadn't because it felt like the world specifically wanted him to live the moment in slow motion, to feel as if Seungmin was slowly slipping off his fingertips, nowhere to hold anymore. And it wasn’t a bad thing, if anything, Chan wouldn’t want to be the one to hold Seungmin back from a change.

But was it selfish of him to wish _he_ was still the one?

“You can stay,” Seungmin told them. Chan tried to swallow with his dry mouth, desperately wanting to leave instead.

“God no,” Jisung protested, Chan regretfully felt a sigh of relief stuck in the back of his throat. “I mean, I wouldn't want to be a bother.”

“A bother?” Seungmin teased. “Really now, Jisung?”

“You guys haven't seen each other in like what—two years? I wouldn't want to get in the way.”

Chan noticed the frown on Seungmin's face. 

“That's nonsense,” he tried to convince them. “I'd love to get to know you.” To know who was the lucky one who Seungmin adored now. “After all, you and Seungie must've gotten to know each other well while I was gone.”

Jisung stared at him, and for once, Chan felt small. This was Jisung. The person Seungmin loves now, and Chan had _nothing_ against them. It wouldn't be a competition to begin with, Seungmin already had his mind set. 

“I would _love_ to share embarrassing stories but Na Jaemin actually asked me to model, it totally slipped my mind.”

“Na Jaemin is a nature photographer,” Seungmin interrupted. Chan watched Jisung panic, their eyes shaking as they stared back at Seungmin. 

“Yes,” they agreed. “Yes, he is. That’s why I’m not a model for the _camera_. He wanted to go to the forest and I’ll model for the squirrels.”

_What?_

“What?” Seungmin asked. 

“Jaemin thinks if I stand in the middle of the forest, the squirrels would think I’m some sort of master god for them to gather around on.”

“Ji—”

“Seung, I really have to go.”

 _Don't._ Chan hoped Seungmin would say. Like he wished he did when he left for Australia. Like he wished Seungmin was a little braver to say to anyone. 

But still, he settled for defeat. “Okay. Take care.”

“I will.” To Chan they say, “Welcome back home. I'll see you two later.”

Chan watched Seungmin watch them go. He almost wanted to laugh at himself, how pathetic to keep staring at a boy who he knew had fallen for someone else. To still hope, that deep inside Seungmin’s heart, he still held a place.

To ease the pain, Chan thought of just moving on right onto talking about each other and what they had missed for the past two years. He didn’t jump topics right away, keeping the topic about his relationship with Jisung, “They’re funny.” 

Seungmin didn’t say anything, but still watched Jisung go.

“Seungmin?” he called again, once he noticed that they were out of sight. 

The younger turned around, mouth gaping, “What?” he settled down on the booth, “Yeah, they’re funny.”

And he was quick to pick up a subject and continued on a new topic. But Chan only gave him half a heart throughout their talk, the same way Seungmin was. Except their reasonings were different. 

Everyday felt the same. Chan stayed at a vacant dorm at their university for a while, still clearing things out with the university before he finally graduates. Then, when he would hang out with Seungmin, he wouldn't stop glancing at his phone as if waiting for a text.

The first time he finally got to talk to Seungmin alone again is when Felix was at work and Changbin was hanging out with his boyfriend. They spent the day like old times, passing a ball at each other lightly, only sometimes making Chan run because— “Seungmin, you little—!” and Seungmin would be laughing as Chan runs for the ball. 

And for once, it was okay. Chan was with Seungmin and Seungmin was with Chan. But that was unfair, Chan knew it was because he was fooling himself. Seungmin was never _with_ Chan, as much as he wanted him to be. 

“Why aren't you eating?” Seungmin asked, taking a bite of beef himself.

“I can always eat at the party.”

Seungmin’s bite stopped halfway through, eyes widening at Chan’s smirk. “How—”

“Changbin isn’t the best liar, let’s be honest.” Seungmin laughed, still offering the beef. 

“You still have to eat though, it’s mostly finger food and alcohol there.”

Chan only smiled, picking up some beef for himself, mind once again preoccupied with the boy in front of him and the person he was undeniably in love with. 

At the party—which was actually a welcome party for him—Chan caught up with his friends, finally able to take off his mind from Seungmin (and Jisung). Despite the ever recurring pain of remembering that he had no place anymore, Chan managed to forget about all that that night, occupying himself with stories about Australia while they offered stories about the campus he left behind. 

Everyone stopped talking briefly when the door opened wide, and slammed loudly behind. Chan barely caught vision of the person who left, but he knew well enough that it was Seungmin from his clothes still the same from earlier. 

“Seung!” he called, grabbing his wrist. 

Seungmin stopped wiping his eyes, “What.”

Chan opened his mouth but he couldn’t form the words. What was he even supposed to say? Seungmin was still brushing the tears off his cheeks that continuously streamed down. The older sighed, pulling Seungmin for a hug.

“It’s okay,” he mumbled in his ear, and Seungmin cried more. 

Even if he didn’t know what he and Jisung talked about earlier, even if he told himself that he could be angry at Jisung now that they made Seungmin cry, even if Jisung was the one Seungmin liked now, he still couldn't get himself to hate them. 

And maybe it’s because above all his feelings, Seungmin was still Chan’s best friend. And his feelings would _always_ be prioritized before Chan’s.

Felix invited Chan over to dye his hair one day. Chan didn’t mind, he did miss Felix also fooling around with his hair while he was in Australia. What he didn’t expect is for Seungmin and Changbin to be present, but what he did expect is to see how Seungmin’s eyes frown despite his efforts to smile. 

He was glancing at his phone a lot more, pursing his lip whenever he would see no notifications and forcing a smile again. But Chan saw past all his acts, he always did. 

After his hair had been more damaged than it already was, Changbin pulled up a movie. Then, as always, Changbin and Felix found themself snuggled around each other, slowly dozing off as the movie played in the background. Chan was watching the movie for a while, before he saw Seungmin once again biting his lip and looking at his phone intensely.

He writes something down, erasing it after a couple of seconds, then, crafting another one. He went on with that for at least two minutes before Chan decided to text him.

Seungmin looked up at him before answering, saying that he was fine, but Chan knew that he wasn’t, so he pushed the topic inevitably making Seungmin snap. Chan sighed deeply, apologizing still on text as if wary that the other two who slept between them could still potentially hear them. Seungmin bit his lip, glancing at Chan and immediately apologizing himself for snapping. 

**To seungie :]** **  
**wanna get out of here?

 **From seungie :]** **  
**where are we going?

 **To seungie :]** **  
**idk, wherever our walk takes us?

 **From seungie :]** **  
**you think changbin hyung and felix would say anything?

 **To seungie :]** **  
**i doubt they would  
felix is almost asleep and changbin is already sleeping on them

 **From seungie :]** **  
**okay  
i’ll meet you out

The walk was short and simple. Chan barely said a word and neither does Seungmin. Sometimes that was enough for them. But sometimes, Chan knew Seungmin just needed a little push. 

“Felix’s showcase is tomorrow, isn’t it?” Chan asked, “As well as other people’s?”

Seungmin hummed, eyes still glued on the ground they walked on, alternating on kicking the pebble on the ground. 

“Have you talked to them yet?”

“Felix?”

“Let’s not play dumb now.”

Seungmin sighed. Chan looked at him, softly shaking his head. “I don't think I should.”

“Why?”

The younger shrugged, kicking the pebble a little way too far. Chan picked up a new one, kicking it softly compared to Seungmin. 

“We don’t have to talk about it,” he whispered quietly. He heard Seungmin let out a deep breath beside him again, before the silence dragging them down. 

“Hypothetically,” Seungmin began later down their walk, “If you, say used to, like someone but now you like this new person. Except that person you like now is pushing you to go with the person you used to like because they still think you like them. What would you do?”

Chan thought for a while. Not because he was actually trying to figure out a sympathetic advice, but because he was trying to connect the dots from their life to his not-so hypothetical question. 

And _god_ does he feel awful.

The reason Seungmin must’ve been so down the past few days since the welcome party was because Jisung told him to be with Chan. All this because Jisung thought Seungmin still liked him, and not them. They’re hurting each other because of Chan’s return. 

Chan stopped on his tracks abruptly, sending Seungmin to stop right in front of him. “Hyung?”

“Tell the person I like now that I like them.”

“Even if you hurt the person you used to like?”

“Wouldn’t it hurt them more if you stuck by their side when you know you don’t have feelings for them anymore?”

Seungmin frowned. “What if they’re your best friend?”

“Then, they’d understand more than ever.”

He didn’t say anything again. Chan tried to reach out and hold his hand, but just as he called his name, Seungmin pointed at a restaurant.

“I’m betting Changbin-hyung and Felix will wake up hungry and angry that we left.”

Chan found himself staring at the ceiling the whole night since that conversation. As soon as he dropped off Seungmin at the dorms, Felix was out the door, of course pushed away by Changbin himself, and he spent the night with them. 

Then, when he knew it was time to leave, and albeit he was exhausted, he couldn’t find it in him to sleep. He knew that Felix’s showcase was later tonight and although that was the only thing in his schedule, he also knew Jisung would be there. 

And he wished, despite the pain that is carried with it, he wished that Jisung would confess to Seungmin that night, and Seungmin to let go just the same. 

Changbin had no classes the day of, so he spent the day with him and his boyfriend for the morning before Jeongin had to leave too, and so it was Changbin and Chan, sitting at the coffee shop. Chan was preoccupied by the laptop in front of him, but Changbin kept his stare on the older. 

“What?” Chan asked softly, looking away from his laptop. 

“You’re sad,” Changbin simply said. 

The older snorted, “How’d you come up with that?”

He simply shrugged, “You look tired and I know you only don’t sleep when you’re sad and overthinking.”

“I’m not sad.”

“You don’t have to lie.”

Chan didn’t say anything then. Not that he had something to say then anyway, he knew Changbin would probably know by then whatever Seungmin was going through. After all, Changbin is closer to Seungmin than him. Also, Changbin had no romantic interest in the younger, which made it a lot easier to talk about his feelings. 

“Is he gonna muster up courage tonight?”

Changbin frowned, “No.”

“He should.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

Chan bitterly laughed, a sob choked on his throat. “You know how I feel.”

Chan sat beside Seungmin at the showcase. Changbin was on the other side of Seungmin, with Jeongin right next to him. Hyunjin (whom he had met at the party) sat on the other side of Jeongin. The rest of their friends backstage cued to perform. 

Seungmin was quiet, reading the program to himself. He always had, appreciating the ever so repeating words of the performers. He wasn’t on his phone as much, too preoccupied by the program. But he didn’t let his phone dangle on his lap for long when it flashes light, a notification Chan barely caught from _stardust._

The younger’s eyes widen upon seeing the notification. Chan looked away then, fiddling on the hem of his shirt, wondering if stardust was Jisung, which only made him laugh bitterly to himself. Of course, Jisung had a nickname.

Chan opened the program he picked up at the front of the house, mindlessly flipping through the pages until he found Jisung’s biography.

> **Han Jisung (they/them)**
> 
> _Second Year, Bachelor of Music, specialized in composition_
> 
> This is Han Jisung's second year in the Music program, this showcase being their third. Jisung has worked tremendously every day and night, hoping to show their best for the audience tonight. They have written multiple songs, including "I See" and "Close". They would like to dedicate tonight's performance to starlight—thank you for being their inspiration. Without you, they wouldn't know what to perform, they wouldn't know where to even begin. So, thank you. You know who you are. Lastly, thank you to their friends and family as always, and the audience for coming to tonight's show. Please enjoy the evening.

Chan felt his heart tighten. _Starlight_. He looked over to his left, Seungmin sat frozen, reading the same page, eyes shaking at the sight of Jisung’s inspiration. And he almost laughed at himself again because even after all this time, after the countless times he found Seungmin stare at Jisung, get hurt because of him and Jisung, every time Seungmin would be quiet while hanging out because, again, of Jisung, he still wished—pathetically begged—that it was still him, and it _really_ hurt. And he felt so stupid. 

The emcee broke his train of thoughts, calling him back to reality. Seungmin shakily closed the program, now fiddling on his seat as they anticipate Jisung's performance.

Not long after, Jisung walked up on the stage, their friends screaming loudly beside Chan except Seungmin who was vulnerable as he watched them approach the mic on centre stage. 

Chan chose to not pay attention to Jisung. Their music filled the auditorium, and everyone was allured by their performance. But he watched Seungmin carefully, heart desperate trying to reach out for the performer on stage. 

His chest tightens as Jisung carefully utter the words— the lyrics they wrote specifically for Seungmin, because _god,_ Jisung loved him, and if Seungmin wasn’t already sure that he felt the same way for them, Chan was sure he was now, more than ever. 

Soon as Jisung left the stage, laughing softly as Hyunjin waved from his spot to them, both Chan and Seungmin sat frozen on spot. Chan waited for Seungmin to move, to do something, to _finally_ say something. And so when he got up and left the theatre, Chan contemplated on following him or not. 

Changbin reached out to him, but Seungmin was determined to exit the room. When his eyes met Chan’s he timidly smiled, falling back to lean on his chair. 

“Hyung,” Changbin called, softly.

“Let him be for now.”

Soon as Felix performed on stage, Chan got up from his seat, uncomfortable by the way Seungmin hadn’t returned even for Felix’s performance. 

He called Seungmin once he was out of the auditorium, the door not fully shutting close behind him with Changbin and the rest of their friends trailing right behind. 

“Where could he be?” Jeongin asked first. “I texted Jisung and they’re worried that they—” he stopped himself momentarily, aware that Chan was present.

“He’s not picking up his phone,” Chan mumbled. 

Hyunjin offered to go around the rest of the building, see if Seungmin just sat somewhere, Jeongin right behind him. Changbin rested his hand on Chan’s shoulder.

“Go with them,” Chan told him. “I’ll keep texting, he’ll answer one of us.”

Chan sat on the couch near the entrance of the building, texting Seungmin once, twice, and just for good luck, he texted him once more. He sighed when a bubble never popped up in his messages. He called him again, mumbling repeatedly for the younger to pick up the call. Seungmin still never answered.

 **From seungie :]** **  
**hey

Chan’s eyes widened, rushing to text Seungmin back immediately.

 **To seungie :]** **  
**thank god you replied  
where are you

Seungmin’s bubble popped up, and it was gone for a second before he responded:

 **From seungie :]** **  
**outside

 **To seungie :]** **  
**yeah i know  
where outside?

 **From seungie :]** **  
**only if you promise you wont come

 **To seungie :]** **  
**seungmin, we’re all worried

Chan bit his lip, part of him couldn’t promise because he knew that everyone was worried, and he knew once Jisung is out of backstage, they would be even more worried for Seungmin.

 **From seungie :]** **  
**hyung promise me

He sighed, prepared to break a promise.

 **To seungie :]** **  
**fine i promise

 **From seungie :]** **  
**im at the main quad

 **To seungie :]**  
why?

 **From seungie :]**  
just need fresh air

Chan stared at the phone for a while, immediately texting Changbin where Seungmin was. He texted back just as quickly, letting him know that he’ll tell Jeongin and the others and to let Jisung go after him.

**_I got something to say  
Let's meet up_ **

**To seungie :]**  
the song  
“starlight”  
it’s you, isn’t it?

 **From seungie :]** **  
**hyung..

 **To seungie :]** **  
**they like you

 **From seungie :]** **  
**i know

His breath hitches, reading the text message from Seungmin again and again, trying to make sense that if Seungmin knew, why would he run away now? Why was he still not seeking for Jisung and refused to tell people where he is?

 **To seungie :]** **  
**you know?

 **From seungie :]** **  
**they told me before they performed

It must’ve been the notification Seungmin got earlier and why he rushed to find their biography on the program and why he was fiddling on spot.

 **To seungie :]**  
so what are you gonna do now?

**_Now we sit silent  
Facing each other_ **

**From seungie :]** **  
**im not really sure  
at first i thought i should stay with you because i love you

 _I love you_ , Chan read again. _He loves me_ , he changed the words, desperately wrapping his mind around his text. 

**To seungie :]** **  
**you love me?

**_I keep thinking in my head  
Should I say this or not_ **

**From seungie :]** **  
**of course i do  
but not the same way that i do have feelings for jisung

_Right. Of course._

**From seungie :]**  
so i was lost for a white and i thought i’d just keep liking them from afar but then they confessed and now we’re here

 **To seungie :]** **  
**what’s stopping you?

 **From seungie :]** **  
**i found myself too comfortable with you and i guess i never wanted to get out of it  
and with that, i cant stop worrying about giving jisung half a heart and i cant give them an answer if i’m still not 100% sure

Chan almost laughed. It was a funny situation to be in, he thought. To talk to the person you like who also likes you, but you’re convincing them to pursue the new person they like now because— well because if you care for someone as much as Chan cared for Seungmin, you’d rather they be happy. And it’s so funny that it’s heartbreaking.

 **To seungie :]** **  
**but you are sure

 **From seungie :]** **  
**how would you even know that

**_Although I don't want to  
I've been holding on to you for so long  
But now I must let go_ **

**To seungie :]** **  
**if i ask you right now to be my boyfriend would you say yes?

Chan held his breath. Seungmin’s bubble went back and forth, that Chan almost— _almost_ —held on to a false belief once again.

 **From seungie :]** **  
**no.. i cant do that

_Hurts just as much._

**To seungie :]** **  
**and if they ask you right now?

The bubble disappeared for a second. 

Then,

 **From seungie :]** **  
**hyung..

 **To seungie :]** **  
**seungmin answer the question

 **From seungie :]** **  
**i’m sorry

_No, I’m sorry._

**To seungie :]** **  
**don’t be sorry  
it’s just time for you to let go

**_There's nothing I can do for you  
It's the only way to make you happy_ **

**From seungie :]** **  
**but what about you?

 _What about me?_ Chan thought. He looked out the doors for a second, the main quad just to his right. His legs begged for him to just get up, walk towards Seungmin, but he couldn’t. He _shouldn’t._ That would only confuse Seungmin more, and right now more than ever, Seungmin is mostly convinced that he should be with Jisung. 

**To seungie :]** **  
**stop thinking about me  
start thinking about you and who and what will make you happy  
and that’s with jisung

_**So I let, let go, let go  
So you can smile someday** _   
_**So you can be happy** _

Because it’s not him. It’s not Chan anymore.

 **From seungie :]** **  
**will you be okay?

Chan swallowed a lump on his throat, biting his lip and closing his eyes, a few tears running down his cheeks. He lay his head on the couch, looking at the ceiling as he recalled his memories with Seungmin. The _happy_ ones. The ones when it was just the two of them. 

When Seungmin had thrown the ball with full force like a baseball and Chan fell on his butt, holding his face as he grimaced in pain. He laughed at himself, Seungmin’s panicked look engraved in his brain, and crying a little more when he remembered how Seungmin kissed his forehead, hoping that it would make Chan feel better, but instead, his face turned more red.

_**I remember our good times  
The days of laughter and fun** _   
_**Memories ever so precious  
Fill up inside me** _

**To seungie :]** **  
**as long as you are

_**Although I don't want to  
I've been holding on to you for so long  
But now I must let go  
There's nothing I can do for you  
It's the only way to make you happy** _

Chan looked at the auditorium that muffled with applause and cheers. He assumed that all the performers had gone, and the audience were cheering as everyone stood on stage to bow one last time.

That meant Jisung was on their way.

 **To seungie :]** ****  
the last act just ended, i’m sure they’re already looking for you  
meet them in the middle, seung. put the effort

Once he sent the last message, Chan locked his phone, not wanting to see whatever Seungmin had to say more. He walked out of the building, afraid that the audience who were rushing out would see him in such a vulnerable state. He hoped that the new fresh air could steady his breathing, as he weeped on the sidewalk, hugging his knees close.

His phone vibrated on his pocket, but he ignored it. 

_**So I let go, let go, let go** _

His phone rang again, but his sobs were much louder than the vibration.

_**So you can smile someday** _

His phone finally stopped vibrating again, but his tears continued to fall.

_**Ah let go, let go** _

“Hyung?” someone called from behind him. Chan rushed to wipe his eyes, getting up to face Changbin who was staring at him with so much pity. 

Chan smiled sadly, “Hi.”

The younger stepped closer, slowly, as if letting Chan know that he can say no anytime. But he doesn’t because he was unable to think straight, unable to think _at all_. And he needed _something_ to ease the pain and although Changbin can’t singlehandedly ease his pain, he knew a sign of presence was all he needed.

Finally, Changbin reached him, pulling the taller for a tight hug. 

And unsurprisingly enough, he cried more. 

And more.

To let go of the pain.

To let go of the memories.

To let go of his feelings.

To _finally_ let go of Seungmin.

Chan loves Seungmin, but he doesn't need to know that.

**Author's Note:**

> if u see mistakes, no you didnt ❤️ i'll edit this later hahaha
> 
> thank you for reading, letting go is now part of my spotify on repeat since that's the only song i listened to while writing this. 
> 
> now read [this](https://twitter.com/seungcentric/status/1301979788052111360?s=21) with this fic in mind ♡ 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/seungcentric)


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